


Adam Dodge: Into The Loud-Verse

by CaptainDodge



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDodge/pseuds/CaptainDodge
Summary: The third and final entry in the "Adam Dodge Thrillogy". While writing fanfiction, Captain Dodge suddenly finds himself thrust into the middle of a war -- a war that could decide the fate of the Loud House multiverse!
Kudos: 1





	Adam Dodge: Into The Loud-Verse

**Author’s Note: Hey-ho! All right, let’s do this one last time…**

**My name is Adam Dodge. I was bitten by the writing bug, and for the past two and three-quarter years, I’ve been the one and only Captain Dodge. I’m pretty sure you know the rest…**

**I wrote a hit fanfic; became famous in the fandom for a little while; found some friends on Discord; and I wrote another great fanfic. And another one. And another one.**

**And I wrote, uh… I wrote _this:_**

Luan woke up early one Sunday morning with a painful headache. Groaning, she forced herself out of bed and over to the mirror, hoping to see the cause of her headache, whatever it may be.

And she did – when she looked herself in the mirror, she found a prominent, pulsating penis jutting out of the center of her forehead.

**…We don’t really talk about this.**

**Look, I’ve faced some harsh criticism; dealt with some wicked writer’s block; befriended people that weren’t as cool as I thought they were; dealt with some wicked writer’s block; gotten involved in some bad Internet drama; dealt with some _wicked_ writer’s block; crossed dimensions thanks to head trauma; and did I mention the writer’s block?**

**But after everything… I still _love_ writing fanfiction. I mean, who _wouldn’t?_**

**So, no matter how much shit I take, I _always_ find a way to come back. Like I am just now, writing this. Wanna know what happens next? Well –**

“Hi, Adam!”

**_WHAAAAAAH?!_ **

(…)

Just as I was about to finish writing my Author’s Note, I was startled out of my wits by Leni Loud emerging from my monitor without warning (let me repeat that: she _emerged from my freaking computer monitor_ top-half first). I leaned so far back that my chair tipped over, sending me tumbling head over heels backwards.

I heard Leni gasp. “Oh my gosh! _Adam!”_ As I staggered to my feet, I rubbed my eyes to confirm that what I was seeing was real, and it was – Leni was struggling to pull the other half of herself out of my monitor.

 _“Nnnngh…!”_ Leni went wide-eyed. “Ah – I’m stuck! _I’m stuck!”_

Seeing Leni in trouble snapped me out of my dazed wonderment. _“Oh –!_ Oh, jeez…”

I ran back up to my desk and took Leni’s hand. Guessing my intent, she braced her other hand against the edge of the monitor. “On three – ready?” I asked. “One… two… _three!”_

I pulled Leni’s arm, and she pushed against the monitor. Slowly, the rest of her squeezed through, and with a _pop,_ she was suddenly free. The force sent her flying towards me, and once again, I found myself flat on my back on the floor, only this time, I had a cartoon sixteen-year-old on top of me.

I winced – I’d banged the back of my head against the floor on my second landing. _“Ah…”_

Leni looked at me with concern. “Are you okay…?”

I rubbed the back of my head. “…I’ve had worse. What about you?”

“Fine, thanks…” We both stood up, Leni helping me up, then rubbing her rear end. _“Oof…_ I’ve gotta lay off the chocolate…”

I waved dismissively. “Ah, it doesn’t matter how, uh… _round…_ your rump gets – you’ll always be beautiful, Leni…”

Leni blushed. “Oh, you…” She giggled.

“Heh… yeah…” I cleared my throat. “B-But that reminds me – _what the heck WAS that, earlier?!_ H-How did you come out of my monitor? And what are you even _doing_ here?”

Leni blinked. “Huh…? _Oh!_ Right…” She pointed at the monitor. “You see, Lisa – well, not _my_ Lisa, _another_ Lisa –”

 _“‘Another’_ Lisa?” I said, confused.

“Well, actually, it was _five_ Lisas…”

Now I was even _more_ confused. “‘Lisas’? Plural?! _Five of them?!”_

Leni shook her head. “I-It’s _complicated,_ alright? J-Just _listen –”_

“Dad?” my daughter, Josephine, called out from the hallway as she entered my room. “Is everything okay? I heard a –” She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Leni, and her mouth dropped open when she recognized her. “O-Oh my God…” She raised a shaky finger to point at her. “L-Leni? _Leni Loud?”_

Leni looked at me, unsure, and I shrugged helplessly. She turned back to Josephine and offered a sheepish smile and wave. “Um… _hi?”_

 _“Eeeeek!”_ Josephine squealed, rushing up to Leni and hugging her tightly. “Oh my God, oh my God, _oh my GOD! It’s you! It’s really YOU!”_

Leni awkwardly patted her on the back, flattered by the adoration, but also taken aback by it. “Y-Yeah… it’s me… Well, _one_ version of me…”

Josephine released Leni and ran back out into the hallway, calling to my other offspring. _“You guys, come here! Come here, quick…!”_

She ran all throughout the house, summoning her half-brothers and -sisters. Leni and I both gave awkward chuckles as we turned to face each other. “So…” Leni said, “…they know about…?”

“W-Well,” I said, “I told you me and my family were fans, didn’t I? A-And they’ve also read my fanfics about you and your family…”

“Oh, I see…”

“…Yeah.” I cleared my throat again. “So, um, speaking of… have those stalkers bothered you again in any way since I left?”

“Hm? Oh! Oh, no, no… it’s just like you said.”

“Good, good…”

We both heard a rumble from outside the room, growing louder as the stampede approached. Suddenly, my spawn all flooded into the room and surrounded Leni, screaming with delight and bombarding her with far too many questions for her to answer when they weren’t wrapping their arms and fingers all around her.

 _“Ah –!_ H-Hey, hey, hey, _guys?”_ Leni called out, to no avail. _“Guys. Guys! GUUUUUUUUYS! **ENOUGH!”**_

My kids all ceased their mobbing, surprised and hurt by her outburst. Seeing this, Leni looked guilty. “N-No, you guys, you don’t… it’s just…” She sighed. “It’s just… I didn’t come here just to say ‘hello’, okay? I came here because there’s something important that I need to tell your dad…”

She turned her eyes to me as she said that last bit. “Oh…” I said. “O-Okay, so, what is it?”

“It’s…” Leni paused. “It’s… um… It’s…” She shut her eyes and gritted her teeth, but finally stamped her foot in frustration. “Dang it – I _forgot!”_

“Oh.” It was no doubt due to all the commotion earlier, in addition to Leni’s general… _nature._ “Well, what if –”

 _“Shsh!”_ Leni shushed me as she massaged her temples, her eyes shut again. “Not now, Adam! I’m trying to, like, retrace my steps, and such…”

 _“Oh!”_ my son, Spongebob, said. “We can help with that! We can –”

“Guys, _enough,”_ Josephine reprimanded. “Let her think.”

I nodded. “Josie’s right. Leave her alone for a minute.”

Thus silenced, my children all joined me in watching Leni trying to recall her message. “Um… I came… to say… um… that… um… I – no, no… Um… Uh… Er –”

Then, just as suddenly as Leni had arrived, Lincoln leapt out of my computer monitor as well, somersaulting as he landed and springing to his feet, much to the shock of me, Leni, and my family. As soon as Lincoln opened his eyes, though, I noticed right away that something was very strange about him. For the most part, he looked the same as always, but the whites of his eyes were now black, his pupils were a burning red, black gunk flowed down his face like tears, and he wore a sick, twisted grin.

“Lincoln?” I said. “What happened to you, man? You don’t look so good…”

 _“HE COMES…”_ Lincoln hissed.

“Huh? Who –”

Before I could finish that sentence, Lincoln sprang at me like a cat pouncing on a mouse, knocking me to the floor, and wrapped his hands around my throat.

 _“Dad!”_ Harmony cried.

Leni snapped her fingers. “Oh, _now_ I remember!” she exclaimed. “I came here to tell you that you were in mortal danger!”

“Thanks for the heads-up,” I choked out, grabbing Lincoln by the wrists and bucking him off, rolling over so that I was on top of him. Derek, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were the first to act, with two of each of them getting on either side of me and helping me pry Lincoln’s fingers off my neck. In response, Lincoln shocked all of us by splitting his face down the middle, opening it to reveal a massive, swollen tongue like something out of a Junji Ito manga that wrapped itself around my head.

 _“Ahk –! Oh, God…!”_ I cried when I had the chance, as the tongue shifted and slithered. “Kids, get out of here – this is getting too crazy!”

“But Dad –!” Derek protested.

_“Listen to your father and GO!”_

Reluctantly, Derek and the B-Three complied, returning to the rest of the group. Josephine turned to Leni. “Miss Leni, can’t _you_ do anything?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie, but my powers don’t work in this universe…” Leni said. “Although…” She perked up. “W-Wait right here, you guys! Adam, hang in there!”

By now, Lincoln’s freakish tongue had wrapped itself around my neck and was hoisting me up in the air. _“Don’t… worry about that…”_ I managed to croak, ineffectually kicking at Lincoln’s main body. Leni poked her head back through the monitor, and after a few moments of me struggling to breathe and the kids fearing for their lives and mine, Leni pulled her head back out – and Lucy, Lisa, and another Lincoln wielding a baseball bat with nails driven into it jumped out. Lisa and the other Lincoln struck battle-ready poses, while Lucy stood awkwardly.

“Leni, what’s wrong?” Lucy asked, before she saw me and the other Lincoln. “Oh…”

“Didn’t we give you explicit instructions to warn Captain Dodge of the grave danger he was in?” Lisa said.

“I’m sorry, you guys!” Leni said. “I got a bit sidetracked…”

 _“Sigh…”_ Lucy shook her head. “Whatever. Let’s just help him kill that thing…”

Lincoln sighed, slumping his shoulders and hanging his head. “Do we _have_ to…?”

 _“Yes,_ Lincoln,” Lisa said.

“But, he –”

 _“Lincoln.”_ Lucy shot him what I assumed was a biting glare. “We’ve been over this, remember?”

Lincoln clenched his jaw. _“Grrr…_ fine.” He turned to the other Lincoln. “Lincoln TEH-10-dash-two-six!” he called. “Release the CC, and prepare to die!”

Noticing the other Louds, the other Lincoln released me, and I dropped to the floor, gasping for breath. His grotesque tongue retracted back inside his head, which closed shut as if its opening was never there. _“Youuuu…”_ the other Lincoln snarled.

“‘Lincoln TEH’…?” I stared up at the other Lincoln, flabbergasted. “Who… _are_ you?”

Lincoln TEH-10-26 turned to me with that same insane smirk he had when he first arrived. _“My name is Lincoln Loud… and I’m in Hell!”_

“No, I believe you’re in my _bedroom…”_ I blinked. “Wait… where have I heard that before…?”

Lincoln TEH-10-26 roared at me, but before he could charge, the other Lincoln slammed his baseball bat into the back of his head, drawing his attention. As he turned, the baseball bat, now firmly lodged in his skull, was wrenched out of the other Lincoln’s hands, and he backed away a few paces. “Guys? Little help?”

“In a moment…” Lisa said, fiddling with a metal box of some sort. “I’m just… having difficulty… with my… _grr…”_

Luckily for the other Lincoln, help arrived from elsewhere, as Lincoln TEH-10-26 found himself on the sharp edge of a shovel being swung at him from behind, cutting through his neck and severing his head in a fountain of blood. I crawled backwards to avoid getting any blood in my mouth and risk rousing _him,_ and it was then that I saw that Josephine had attacked Lincoln TEH-10-26 with the shovel, saving the other Lincoln and, most likely, everyone else.

 _“Josie!”_ I shouted, getting to my knees and walking on them up to her, grabbing her by the shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes. “I told you not to get involved!”

Josephine shook her head. “I _know,_ Dad, I _know!_ But… But I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing! He almost _killed_ you!”

“I…!” I closed my eyes and sighed. “Josephine… _look._ I appreciate the help – really, I do. And I’m sure Lincoln – er, the _not-_ mutated Lincoln – does, too. It’s just…” I shook my head, looking at her tenderly. “…I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay?”

Josephine nodded. “I understand, Dad. I’m sorry.”

I hugged my baby girl. “It’s okay, sweetie. Just… it’s okay.”

Once I was done having my moment with my beloved eldest daughter, I stood up and joined the other Louds in surrounding the severed head of Lincoln TEH-10-26, which was somehow still alive.

 _“Heh… Heh, heh, heh…”_ Lincoln TEH-10-26 chuckled sinisterly. _“You have won NOTHING here, you who struggle in vain… I am but one of many – one voice in the Nezperdian hive mind of chaos… He waits behind the wall, and when HE COMES, he will destroy and defile all that stands in his way…”_ His black-and-red eyes darted from Loud to Loud. _“You will join him, or DIE.”_

“Well, I don’t know about that…” Lincoln said, prying his baseball bat out of Lincoln TEH-10-26’s head, “…but in cases like _yours,_ you’ll join him _and_ die.”

With that he raised his bat above his head and brought it down hard on Lincoln TEH-10-26’s head, smashing it like a melon and splattering its contents everywhere.

Lucy wiped some brain matter off her mouth. “Chalk up another one,” she quipped. _“Sigh…_ how many evil alternate Lincolns are there?”

 _“Too_ many…” Lincoln said bitterly. He turned and pointed at me. “And it’s all because of creeps like _you!”_

I raised my hands up defensively. _“Whoa!_ H-Hey, hang on, I had nothing to do with, with… _this!”_ I gestured at the bloody mess all around us, then inspected the bottom of my shoe. _“Ick…_ and speaking of _this…_ we need to clean this up.”

Josephine hefted the shovel. “I’ll go dig a hole in the backyard…”

“And I’ll get the cleaning chemicals!” Hamilton said.

I smiled. “Gosh… what did I do to deserve such _great_ kids? _Haha…”_ I clapped my hands. “All right, you kids know the drill – half of you go help Josie with the grave-digging, and the other half help Hammy with the cleaning. No, _no,_ Zeke, _you_ go with Josie – you’re not drinking any more chemicals on _my_ watch! Lord knows you have few enough brain cells as it is… Everyone, if you do a good, fast job, you’ll have earned yourselves some In-N-Out!”

The children cheered and quickly set about their work. I, unfortunately, could not join them, for I had to get some facts straight with the Louds. I led them out into the kitchen.

“All right, then…” I said, “…does _anybody_ want to explain to me what’s going on?” I swept my gaze over each of the siblings. “What are you doing here? How did you get here? What was the deal with that other Lincoln? And _what…_ does _any_ of this… have to do with _me?”_

Lincoln folded his arms and pouted, not wanting to tell me anything. Leni, Lucy, and Lisa all folded their arms and glared at him in turn. “Come on, Linky,” Leni said, “Lincoln TEH-10-26 attacked him. Would a servant of Zalgo do that to _another_ servant of Zalgo?”

“I-It’s _possible…!”_ Lincoln argued. “I mean, we never can tell with these freaks…!”

“Well, he _clearly_ doesn’t know anything,” Lucy added. “Isn’t _that_ proof enough?”

Lincoln shook his head angrily, but was forced to concede the point. _“…Fine._ But I still don’t trust him! Not after –”

“We understand, elder brother.” Lisa took a deep breath, then turned to me. “Captain Dodge, the long and short of this matter is… Zalgo is invading the multiverse, and we are fighting to stop him.”

She stopped, letting that sink in. Once it did, I was left moderately perturbed. “Um…”

 _“Hm.”_ Lisa adjusted her glasses. “I knew that would be difficult to comprehend…”

“W-Well, I mean, I comprehend it a _little,”_ I said. “I mean, I’m familiar with the concept of a _‘multiverse’,_ and I know who – or rather, _what_ – Zalgo is. I thought he was just an Internet meme, though…”

“To _you,_ perhaps,” Lucy said. “But to _us…_ he is _very,_ _very real.”_

“And perhaps, to an extent, he is similarly real to _you,_ as well,” Lisa said, “in that his will is carried out by corrupted content creators…”

“Like _you,”_ Lincoln said, pointing an accusatory finger at me.

Again, I raised my hands defensively. _“Me?_ ‘Corrupted’? I don’t…”

 _“Lincoln!”_ Leni snapped. “He is _not_ corrupted!”

“I sense darkness in him, this is true,” Lucy said. “But it has not conquered him… not yet.”

“And as long as it has not,” Lisa said before Lincoln could object, “he is an asset.” She walked up to me and touched my hip, which was as far as she could reach, and looked at me. “Captain Dodge, we lose good males and females to the fight against Zalgo every day. We need people who are willing to fight – _good_ people, like _you._ What say you? Will you stand with us?”

I didn’t answer right away, looking askance. Could I do it? Could I fight this war, let alone _win_ it? “I… I…” I looked at each of the Louds’ faces – Leni’s hopeful one, Lincoln’s skeptical one, Lucy’s stoic one, and Lisa’s pleading one. Finally, after much soul-searching, I knew my answer.

“I… _can’t.”_

Lincoln threw his hands in the air. “I knew it – this was a waste of time and effort…”

Leni was crushed. “No… _No…”_ Tears glistening in her eyes, she ran up to me as Lisa turned away, disappointed. “Adam, _please…”_ she begged, grabbing me by the arm, “…you _have_ to help us! Do it…” She gulped. “…Do it for _me.”_

I shook my head. “…I’m sorry, Leni. I _can’t.”_

Leni hung her head, whimpering – exactly the reaction I was fishing for. With a cocky smirk, I took her chin and raised her head back up.

“…Not _alone.”_

Leni’s eyes widened even further. “Y-You mean…?”

“If I’m gonna get by… it’ll have to be with a little help from my buddies…”

With that, I strutted off back towards my room. Leni folded her arms and looked at Lincoln with a cocky grin. Lincoln looked away, simmering.

“…Pretty sure that’s not how that song goes…” he muttered.

When they caught up with me, I was on my knees, digging through my closet. “Let’s see,” I said, “where did I put that thing…? No… No… Jeez, would you look at all this junk just thrown in here and forgotten? I think I might have a problem… Come on, where is it – _Aha!”_

I stood up and turned around, holding up a conch shell, which Lincoln pointed at. “How’s _that_ going to help us?” he asked.

I grinned at him. “Wait and see…”

Taking a deep breath, I pressed my lips against the end of the conch shell and blew as hard as I could… producing a sour note and a _lot_ of dust.

The Louds and I coughed and waved the dust clouds away. “Sorry, sorry, this thing’s a little dusty…” I explained, shaking the dust bunnies out and blowing into the shell’s wide opening, producing another cloud of dust right in my face. I coughed and smacked my lips, cleared my throat, took another deep breath… and stopped. “Oh, wait, that’s right – I’ve gotta be outside…”

I walked past the Louds, headed for the front door. The Louds followed close behind, Lincoln rolling his eyes. I stepped out into the front yard, took yet another deep breath, lifted the conch to my mouth, and blew as hard as I could… producing a resounding peal that rang out for miles around.

 _“TACKTeam,”_ I bellowed at the top of my lungs, _“assemble!”_ I blew another note on my conch signal. _“TACKTeam, ASSEMBLE!”_

As the sound of my conch and my hail echoed far and wide, I stood and waited, as did the Louds, as minutes passed.

And more minutes passed.

And yet _more_ minutes passed.

Finally, Lincoln got fed up. “…Well, _where are they?”_ he demanded.

I turned to look at him, having been lost in thought up until now. “Hm? Oh, it’ll take them a while to get here… Well, I mean, first they have to get together, _then_ they have to come here, so, yeah… it’ll be a while.” I clapped my hands together. “In the meantime, can I offer you some refreshments? Cookies, Twinkies, soda? I can make some hot cocoa, if you like…”

(…)

After about half an hour, the Louds were seated on my living room couch. Leni was sipping a cup of hot cocoa; Lincoln was grumpily drinking a can of Coke; Lucy was munching on a cookie; and Lisa was finishing her third Twinkie. I realized that there were several questions still unanswered – and that we needed to kill time until my buddies arrived, at any rate – so I pulled up a chair and sat in it, facing the lot of them.

“…All right,” I said, “so, while we’re waiting… why don’t you fill me in about this threat we’re facing…?”

Lisa polished off the Twinkie and belched quietly. “Hmm… I suppose you deserve to know what we’re up against…” She started tapping her chin. “Let’s see… where to begin…?”

“Why don’t you start with this whole _‘multiverse’_ thing? I mean, what’s going on with _that?”_

Lisa took a deep breath. “Very well. How do I put this in layman’s terms…? Hmm…” After a moment of pondering, she came up with something. “…I-I-It’s like _this._ Imagine that causality is… a _forest._ Our multiverse is like a _tree_ in that forest –one universe is planted as a seed, and the entire tree grows from it.”

“That’s what we call the _Prime_ universe,” Lincoln interjected. “Universal Designation TLH-1-dash-oh-one. _That’s_ the universe that _all_ our universes stem from.”

“The ‘Prime’ universe, you say…” I stroked my chin. “Wait, would that be… the universe of _The Loud House?_ The universe of the actual show on Nickelodeon?”

Lisa nodded. “Precisely. That is the universe from which all of _our_ universes originate.”

 _“‘Your’_ universes?” I blinked. “Wait… then… does that mean… you’re not the _canon_ Louds…?”

“Let me finish,” Lisa said. “If you’re asking if we’re from the Prime universe, then _no._ If the Prime universe is the seed, and later the _trunk,_ of the tree, then all the various branches of the tree are alternate universes, which diverge from the Prime universe. Are you familiar with the concept of alternate universes, Captain?”

I nodded. “I am. So… you’re all from alternate universes?”

“That is correct – specifically, ones that _you_ wrote about.”

I started, taken aback. “Huh?! _Me?”_ I shook my head. “Wait… Wait a minute. Did these universes _always_ exist, or did they only come into existence when I wrote about them?”

“We believe that the former is the case, although we’re still not entirely sure. Returning to our tree analogy, we speculate that _your_ Earth is akin to… well, the _earth_ – the soil that our multiverse tree is planted in. Roots reach deep into the earth – your universe – causing the Prime universe to manifest itself in _your_ dimension, as the aforementioned children’s cartoon on a syndicated television network. And just as the roots connect all the way to the branches, so too do the branches connect to the roots – and so, content creators such as yourself write stories and draw pictures of actual events taking place in alternate universes.” Lisa shrugged. “But, again, we are still unsure. It’s also entirely possible that our multiverse only came into existence courtesy of the imagination of your world’s Chris Savino…”

“Hmm…” I chewed on that nugget of information. “Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?”

“A riddle for the ages…” Leni quipped.

I smiled and pointed at her. _“Ayyye!”_

She smiled and pointed back. _“Ayyyyyyye!”_

We both shared a laugh, to the confusion of the others. “…I don’t get it,” Lucy said.

I came down from my bout of laughter. _“Ah… Ah…_ Hah… _Whoof…_ Just an inside joke. Don’t worry about it.” I turned back to Lisa, serious again. “So... where does Zalgo fit into all of this?”

 _“Zalgo…”_ Lucy uttered in a low voice that made everyone’s skin crawl. “He Who Waits Behind The Wall… the Nezperdian hive mind of chaos… the corrupter of all things innocent and good…” She turned her piercing gaze to me. _“Including children’s cartoons.”_

“In _your_ universe,” Leni said, “he exists only as an Internet meme. But in _our_ multiverse… he’s a _universe-ending threat.”_

“Although,” Lincoln said, “that’s the only thing we _can_ be sure of. We’re still unsure of what _exactly_ Zalgo is. Some of us think that he’s your standard Cthulhu-like abomination, existing outside the bounds of space and time…”

“…while others believe that he’s a, uh…” Leni scratched her head. “What’s the word? Sen… tee… end…?”

 _“‘Sentient’?”_ I said.

Leni snapped her fingers. _“Right!_ Yeah, _that!_ A sentient virus – a virus that has somehow become _self-aware._ It infects others, then sends them to spread the infection. That would explain the whole _‘hive-mind of chaos’_ thing…”

“Still others believe that he is not a _being,_ but an _idea_ – the manifestation of corruption itself,” Lucy said.

Lisa waved dismissively. “There is a great deal of dispute over the question – several other theories besides these. The point is, if the multiverse is a _tree,_ then Zalgo is a _disease,_ spreading from branch to branch, killing each one. A tree can survive without most of its branches, but if the _trunk_ becomes diseased… if Zalgo reaches the Prime universe…”

Lincoln shook his head. “Game over. Goodbye, multiverse…”

 _“Whoa…”_ I shook my head. “Wait, so… where did Zalgo come from in the first place?” I asked.

“Again, we don’t know,” Lincoln said. “We don’t know _where, when,_ or _how_ he started destroying universes, but based on our findings, we suspect that he got his start by influencing CCs to do his bidding by corrupting universes through their stories and art…”

“Wh-What do you mean, _‘corrupting’?”_ I asked.

Lincoln leaned forward, a scowl on his face and an angry gleam in his eye. “…I’ve watched episodes of _The Loud House._ I know what the Prime universe is like. It’s people like _you_ that twist that image into something _horrible –_ something _dark, morbid,_ and _edgy._ Causing me, my family, and our friends to act _completely_ against our own natures; inserting original characters that have _no_ place in _our_ worlds; contriving events that would _never_ have happened if not for _your_ interference…!” He pointed accusingly at me. _“That’s_ how Zalgo works. _That’s_ how he sinks his claws into universes.”

“And once a person is sufficiently corrupted…” Leni said, “…he’s able to possess them directly – drive them to corrupt other, purer people.”

“Meanwhile, he waits behind the walls of reality – true to his name,” Lucy said. “And once the universe is sufficiently corrupted; once the walls of reality have been worn thin enough… he comes into the universe physically. And when _that_ happens…” She shook her head. “…the only options you have left are to _run, submit,_ or _die._ If you die… then your soul is submitted to what seems like an eternity of torment before it is devoured for sustenance. If you submit… then you become part of the Nezperdian hive mind of chaos – hardly an improvement. And if you run…”

“…you _survive.”_ Lincoln gestured to himself and the rest of his crew. “Like _us.”_

“But you also doom further universes to invasion,” Lisa added somberly. “As the refugees from the first universe to fall to Zalgo learned to their horror. That universe’s version of myself created a dimensional portal to another universe for herself and the other survivors of her universe to escape to – but they _‘left the door unlocked behind them’,_ as it were. Zalgo’s forces reverse-engineered the dimensional portal technology and used it to rapidly accelerate their invasion efforts.” She closed her eyes, imagining the horror. “What followed was a domino effect – dozens of universes falling to Zalgo; their survivors fleeing to other universes; Zalgo’s forces following through the portals they left behind, capitalizing on the technological enhancements they’d made to the portal technology…” She opened her eyes again, her expression dull. “By the time they’d realized their careless mistake, it was far too late. Dozens of universes became hundreds; hundreds became hundreds of _thousands._ So many lives lost… taken…”

Lisa hung her head and shuddered; it was clear that she was on the verge of weeping. Lucy, of all people, patted her shoulder, offering what little comfort she could. It was enough, though, as Lisa pulled herself together and continued. “…Inevitably, given the nature of the multiverse, some refugees from different universes would arrive in the same ‘haven’ universes as each other. In one such universe, there were enough of us together that five alternate versions of me – myself included – were able to pool our collective knowledge and work together to open a portal to an entirely _different_ universe altogether – one that was _not_ a part of our multiverse. One where Zalgo had next to no power, and we were fictional.” She took a deep breath, and elaborated:

 _“This_ universe.”

I leaned back in my seat, as if the force of her words had physically struck me. “Whoa… _seriously?”_

“Indeed…” Lisa sighed. “And yet, we’re not certain whether this universe is _your_ Prime universe, or just another branch in your multiverse. Returning yet again to our tree analogy, it’s also been suggested that your universe is not the earth our tree grows in, but an entirely different tree altogether, and that your branch hangs close enough to one of ours for us to safely leap across the gap between one tree and another, and that the forest as a whole is the spacetime continuum, and the earth that both, and for that matter _all,_ trees in the forest grow in is causality itself…” She shook her head wearily. “…but again, without total omnipotence, it’s impossible to say for certain. Savino knows _this_ is the only universe in your multiverse that we’ve been able to access thus far…”

“Uh… _huh…”_ I nodded slowly. This was starting to get confusing…

“Anyways,” Lucy added, “we came to this universe thinking that we’d be totally safe at last. Safe from Zalgo, _forever.”_ Her gaze fell to the floor. “…But then we learned about the CCs, and how Zalgo was influencing them to corrupt our multiverse, and countless others, in his name. We thought we’d never be free of Zalgo. We thought there was no hope.” She looked up, the tiniest hints of a smile forming on her face. “…Until we met _him.”_

“Who?” I asked.

“A CC in your world – one who _wasn’t_ corrupted. One who always did his best to make sure the universes he wrote about hewed as closely to the Prime universe as possible; one who combatted the corruption of Zalgo; one who showed us that not _all_ CCs were inherently corrupt.” Lincoln’s eyes sparkled as he described this mysterious person. “His name… was MrTyeDye.”

I leaned forward, invested. “Oh, Tye? Yeah, makes sense…”

“You know him?” asked Lucy, surprised.

“Yeah, I chat with him on Discord! Nice guy; great writer. Bit naïve, though…”

“Hm… Well, some of us refugees contacted him – told him what was going on in the multiverse.” Lincoln smiled proudly. _“He_ turned it all around. He convinced us to stop _running,_ and start _fighting.”_

“Fighting?”

Lisa grinned. “I still recall what he said to us that day – _‘A rattlesnake doesn’t bite unless it’s cornered. You guys…’”_ She swept out her arms. _“‘…this is now a den of rattlesnakes.’”_

“And on that day…” Leni said, “…the Defenders of the Loud Continuum were born.”

I was about to say something else, but at that moment, the doorbell rang. I sprang to my feet. _“Oh!_ That’s them! Hold on just a minute, you guys…!”

I rushed to the front door and opened it. My buddies, the TACKTeam, stood assembled on the front porch, armed to the teeth.

“Hey, buddies!” I greeted them.

“Hey, Dodge,” Cry said. “Sorry we’re late – traffic was backed up…”

“Yeah, that’s a real problem around these parts – especially after noon…” I stood aside. “Well, come in, come in!”

My buddies filed inside the house, and I led them to the living room. “Okay, you guys,” I told them, “try not to freak, but there are _actual –!"_

“Hey,” Aly said to the Louds as soon as she saw them. “Which universes are you guys from?”

“MMM-4-dash-oh-one,” Leni said.

“TAC-10-dash-three-one,” Lincoln said.

“ELRP-1-dash-oh-four,” Lucy said.

“LBD-2-dash-oh-one,” Lisa said.

“oh youre all from dodgeys fics are you ?” Kat said. “except you lucy – youre from the rp in our discord server…”

“Hm. Makes sense why _you_ were sent to retrieve him, then…” Cry said.

I gaped at the group. “Wait… guys, are you… _Defenders of the Loud Continuum?”_

“Yep!” Cry said. “Tye recruited us. Have these guys told you about the DLC yet?”

“As a matter of fact, they’d _just_ gotten to that part when you guys got here!” I laughed. “So, what’s with the name? _‘Defenders of the Loud Continuum’…”_

“We were originally the _Protectors_ of the Loud Continuum, but the PPC ( **P** rotectors of the **P** lot **C** ontinuum) sued us, so we had to change the name.”

“Luckily, not the type of Sues they _kill!”_ Aly said with a laugh.

I put my hands on my hips and looked at Aly in a playfully-reproving manner. _“Luan!”_

My buddies and I shared a laugh, but the Louds were just confused. “Huh…?” Leni said. “What are you talking about? Luan isn’t here…”

“Oh, that’s just an inside joke with me and my buddies,” I explained. “Whenever someone makes a pun, we go _‘Luan!’”_

Lucy nodded. “Makes sense…”

“Right.” I turned back to the TACKTeam. “Hey, so, if you guys have been a part of the DLC for some time now, then why didn’t you tell _me?”_

“Well, we _did_ kinda advertise the fact,” Cry said. “Remember our fic about saving alternate versions of Louds and fighting a dark force?”

I scratched my head. “But… you guys haven’t updated that fic in, like… _ever….”_

“look whos talking” Kat said.

“Touché.” I turned back to the Louds. “Speaking of which… you said these guys are all from my fanfics, huh?” I began appraising each of them, starting with Leni. “‘MMM’… hmm…” I snapped my fingers. “Oh, I get it! _‘The Mad, Mad Misadventures of Adam Dodge’!”_

Leni smiled, nodding. “Mm-hmm!”

“I should’ve figured…” I turned to Lisa. “And you… ‘LBD’… _‘Lincoln’s Big Date’?”_

Lisa nodded. “That is correct.”

I scratched my head. “Why would _your_ world be corrupted by Zalgo? It seemed pretty close to canon…”

“Mine was not an _invaded_ universe, but a _refuge._ It was there that we gathered to build the transdimensional portal that brought us to _this_ world…”

“I see…” I turned to Lucy. “And you… Kat mentioned an RP, so _you_ must be from the Elemental Louds RP!”

Lucy nodded. “Correct.”

It was only now that I noticed Lucy’s veins glowing faintly. “How are those light powers coming along?”

Lucy lit up slightly, embarrassed. _“Sigh…_ I don’t want to talk about it…”

“Right – we never got far into that RP, did we?” Finally, I turned to Lincoln. “And _you…_ ‘TAC’… hmm…” I pointed at him. _“…‘The Axeman Cometh’?”_

Lincoln slammed his baseball bat into the floor. “That’s right,” he snarled. “I’m from the universe where I had to watch a masked slasher butcher most of my family right before my very eyes!” He pointed at me accusingly. “All because of _you!_ _You_ brought the Axeman to my house that night; _you_ let him escape! And guess what?” He clenched his bat so hard, the veins in his hand bulged out. “He came _back_ – and _Zalgo came with him!_ I had to watch _my_ Lucy and _my_ Lily die at his hands – followed by the rest of my _universe!_ Everything I’d done to protect them, everything I’d struggled so hard for – it was all for _nothing!”_ He slumped into his seat, fighting back tears. “…And I would’ve joined them, or _worse,_ if I hadn’t been rescued by the DLC at the last minute…”

Leni reached out to him. “Oh, Linky…”

To my surprise, Lincoln batted her hand away. _“No._ Don’t…” He lowered his hand, sighing. “…There’s no point in getting too attached – not when we’re facing the kind of danger we’re facing…”

I stumbled backwards, stunned. This Lincoln was a far cry from the Lincoln I’d left at the end of _“The Axeman Cometh” –_ and he’d developed this personality all on his own. A personality that loathed me for what I’d put him and his through… “I…” I slowly approached him. “Lincoln, I… I’m sorry –”

But Lincoln picked up his nail-studded bat and threatened me with it, forcing me to back off. Once I had, he lowered it with a glower. “…I don’t want your apologies for what’s already _happened,”_ he said. “I want you to make things right _now._ Will you help us take the fight to Zalgo?”

I furrowed my eyebrows in determination, and nodded. “…I will.” I gestured to the TACKTeam. “And my buddies will fight alongside me!”

“Ah, yes, you four,” Lisa said. “You’ll be a valuable asset in this upcoming battle. I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced yet, though…”

“Allow _me,”_ I said, bowing. I walked to the right end of the line to start. “May I introduce: the girl whose bite is _twice_ as worse as her _bark;_ proof that size doesn’t matter at 5’1”; the Ukrainian Pain-Train herself: _KatColorsTheStars!”_

Kat stepped forward, twirling her revolver. “im what zalgo has nightmares about”

“Why does she talk like that…?” Leni wondered.

I shrugged. “Eh – that’s just how she rolls.” I moved on to the next person. “And right here, standing at 5’6”: you know her; you love her; the Beast from the East; the leader of the pack; the pride of the pride; she goes by many names, but you can call her: _Aly!”_

Aly stepped forward, wearing a confident grin. “I howl like a wolf, and _bite like a gator!”_

Lincoln stared in disbelief at the teenaged girl with a shotgun standing before her. “Isn’t she a little too young for this?” he asked.

“Aren’t we all?” I replied. I moved on. “And here, unable to miss: standing at a whopping 6’2”; she takes a lickin’, and keeps on tickin’; she’s from the harsh South, and is harsh down south; all the way from Nicaragua, the _one,_ the _only:_ _Cryandia!”_

Cry stepped forward with a bow. “I’m a _mean, lean, bean-eating machine!”_

“My goodness…!” Lisa exclaimed. “What has her mother been feeding her?”

“Beans, I suppose…” I moved on to my last buddy. “And last, but most _certainly_ not least: the rumbler from the jungle; the silent, but violent; the Butcher of Brazil: give it up for _Takaluca!”_

Taka stepped forward, and finally opened his mouth. _“Eu vim aqui para mascar chiclete e chutar bunda. E eu estou sem chiclete.”_

I burst out laughing, while the Louds, sans Lisa, all stared uncomprehendingly. “Um… what did he say?” Lucy asked.

I wiped a tear out of my eye. _“Ah…_ No idea.”

Leni turned to Lisa. “Lisa, do _you_ know what he said?” she asked.

“Indeed I do,” Lisa replied.

She didn’t say anything more. “…Would you _tell us_ what he said?” Lincoln asked.

Lisa shook her head. “I’m afraid not.”

“What? Why not?”

She cracked a cheeky grin. “Because it’s funny.”

“Wha –” Lincoln shook his head, exasperated. “…Never mind. Fine – the more fighters we have, the better.”

“‘Fighters’ is right!” I said, as I looked my buddies up and down. “Looks like you guys came armed to the teeth!”

“Yeah, we knew what to expect,” Aly said. “We’ve been preparing for this for a while…”

“Huh? Preparing for what?”

 _“This.”_ Aly gestured to this fic. “We knew you were going to call us…”

“Really?! How?”

“come on dodge” Kat said, “dont tell me you forgot that you shared this fic idea with us on discord over three months ago…”

 _“Oh.”_ I rubbed the back of my head. _“Heh…_ right…”

Lincoln shook his head again, standing up. “Well then, what are we waiting for? The war’s not going to wait for us!”

“and weve waited long enough” Kat said, jabbing her thumb at me. “especially since dodgey missed the april fools deadline for this fic cuz hes lazy…”

 _“Kat!”_ Leni admonished. “Be nice to Adam! Isn’t he your friend?”

“She _is,”_ I said. “And that’s why she tells it like it is. It’s true… my laziness is a problem. But _no more!_ Now, I’m gonna get my rear into gear, and _fight the good fight!”_

“Yeah, but you’ll need a weapon first, Dodge…” Cry said.

“Oh, right! Wait one second…!”

I rushed out of the room. Clanging and clashing were heard as I tossed and rifled through my belongings, looking for the perfect weapon to bring to bear against the forces of Zalgo. Finally, I found it, and rushed back into the living room, weapon in hand.

“All right,” I said, pumped up, “I’m ready! _Let’s do this, mofos!”_

Everyone stared at me and my weapon with blank, bemused, or bewildered expressions. For a while, everyone was dumbstruck. Finally, Kat spoke up, as she always did.

“dodge” she said, “wtf is that ?”

“It’s my weapon!” I replied.

Aly looked at me, then to my hand, then back to me. “…A _fork?”_

“Yeah! What?”

There was another moment of silence. Finally, Leni stated the obvious. “…Adam, you can’t go into a warzone armed with just a _table fork!_ Not even _I’m_ dumb enough to do something like that!”

“Don’t worry, it’s gonna pay off in the end! _Trust me.”_

Everyone exchanged unsure looks. Finally, Leni shrugged and said, _“I_ trust him.”

The other Louds looked at the TACKTeam, who shrugged and nodded in agreement. With a sigh that signaled that she _knew_ she was going to regret this, Lisa turned to me and said, “…Very well, Captain Dodge. If that is your weapon of choice, then we will accept it, however grudgingly.” She hopped off the couch. “Now then, we’d best be on our way…”

“Right!” Aly clapped and pointed at me. “Dodge, we need to borrow your computer.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “In the meantime, I… I need to have a word with my kids…”

Aly nodded, and as she led the others into my room, I headed outside. I needed to let them know before I left them this time…

In the backyard, the kids were tamping down the dirt on a raised mound that Lincoln TEH-10-26 laid buried under in pieces. I took a deep breath. Leaving them behind like this again… was going to be as painful as tearing off my own arm. “Uh… hey, kids…” I said.

Josephine turned to me with a slight grin on her face. “Hey, Dad,” she replied. “We’re just about done here…”

“So I see.” I nodded. “Well… looks like you kids have earned a trip to In-N-Out tonight!”

The kids all cheered, whooped, and hollered. Harmony and Deliverance danced for joy, and Arnold, Tommy, and Timmy all hopped up and down together.

I smiled sadly. I was going to miss that youthful exuberance… “But… I’m afraid you’ll have to go without me, little ones…”

Josephine nodded. “It’s okay, Dad – we know you have to work…”

I shook my head, a pang hitting my chest. “No, you don’t understand…”

Everyone stopped cheering, staring at me with confused eyes.

Sighing, I beckoned them closer. “Kids,” I said, “gather ‘round…” They all huddled in around me. “I… The truth is… Look, it’s too complicated to explain, but… the _Loud House_ multiverse is in danger, and if it’s destroyed, the show you know and love will cease to be…”

The kids all cried out in dismay, begging me to say it wasn’t so.

“It’s true. And… that’s why they need people like me to help defend it.”

The kids were silent, the meaning of those words slowly sinking in.

Sighing again, I went down on one knee. “Kids…” I braced myself for the words I was about to say. “…I have to go now. And, and I don’t know when… o-or _if…_ I’ll be back. Oh, I really, _really_ don’t want to have to do this, but… you have to understand –”

Josephine raised a finger to my lips. “…We understand, Dad. We don’t want _The Loud House_ to be destroyed any more than _you_ do.” She closed her eyes, then nodded and looked at me with a smile. “…Go ahead and do what you need to do. And don’t worry about us – we’ll be fine.”

I leaned back, stunned by her words. Then, my heart swelled, and with a tender smile and tears in my eyes, I pulled Josephine in for a hug. “I’m sorry it had to be such short notice…” I whispered. “I promise… I won’t forget you. This time… _I won’t forget you.”_

“We don’t mind if you do,” Josephine said. “After all, we were never real to begin with…”

I broke the hug and looked at her, wide-eyed. _“Huh?_ Wait, then… my entire life is a _lie?”_

“Yep!” Josephine said cheerfully. “You’re a real nutcase, you know that, Dad?”

The kids all laughed at that, while I wiped my brow in relief. _“Whew…_ That’s a load off my mind…” I gave Josephine a quick peck on the forehead, then went around giving each of my children the same. “All right, kids, Josie’s in charge until I come back, if I ever do. Computer, TV, and PS4 rotations are the same as usual. Be in bed by 10, and please – _no more mugging people._ Understand?”

 _“Yes, Daddy…”_ my kids answered unanimously.

“Good.” I hugged as many of my kids as I could reach around, and the rest joined in for a group hug. “Love you, kids!”

With my goodbyes said, I stood up, handed Josephine my wallet so she could treat everyone to some fast food, and went back inside, jogging up the stairs and returning to my room.

Most everyone was huddled around my computer, and the few who weren’t were idling nearby. Aly was lounging on my bed, Lincoln was leaning against the wall, and Cry was leaning against my dresser.

“Well,” I announced, “I’ve said goodbye to my children. In all likelihood, I’ll never see them again…” My mood turned somber as I said that, but swung back to chipper as I clapped my hands together. “So! How goes it on your end?”

“Slowly,” Cry replied. “First, we got distracted watching a restoration video that you had open on YouTube…”

“Oh, yeah. Aren’t those things just _so_ satisfying?”

“Indeed. And now, we can’t get into your fanfiction account without your password.”

“Oh, right, right… Excuse me.”

I pushed past the crowd of Louds and buddies to my desk, and inputted my password. With access granted, Lisa took over again, scrolling through my stories until Lincoln, who had now joined the group, stopped her and pointed at this story – as in, the one I’m writing, and _you’re_ reading, right now.

“There,” he said. “Universal Designation ILV-6-dash-one-eight. _That’s_ where we need to go.”

“All right.” Aly got up and stretched. “Portal all set up over there?”

“Yep.”

“Then it’s time.” She nodded at all of us. “See you on the other side, guys…”

She stepped back into the hallway, and the crowd around the computer dispersed, to my confusion. Then, Aly ran back into the room, took a diving leap towards my desk, and disappeared into my monitor right before my very eyes. The screen rippled as it absorbed her, then returned to form.

For a moment, I stood slack-jawed. Then, I snapped back to attention. _“Whoaaaa!”_ I said, rushing up to the monitor and peering inside. I couldn’t see anything except the page for this story. “I didn’t know this thing was a _two-way street!”_

“Of course it is,” Lisa said. “How else would we travel between _your_ multiverse and _ours?”_ She got up out of my chair. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

Lisa pushed her metal box through the monitor, then jumped in after it. Taka walked up, clapped me on the shoulder, nodded at me, then looked at the others, saying, _“Mais uma vez até a brecha, queridos amigos...”_ Then, he followed Aly and Lisa through the monitor-portal.

We all watched him go, then Leni turned to Cry and asked her, “Um… Cry? Do _you_ know what he said?”

“Um, no?” Cry responded. “How should _I_ know?”

“Well, ‘cause you’re, y’know, uh… _Latin American?”_

Cry folded her arms and gave Leni an unamused stare. “Oh, and you just _assume_ all Latinos speak the same language?”

 _“No,_ no, no!” Leni said hurriedly, waving her hands back and forth. “It-It’s just, uh… I… uh…” She cleared her throat. “…Like, _see you!”_

Blushing madly, Leni dashed towards the desk and jumped through the monitor as quickly as she could. _“Sigh…”_ Lucy said, turning towards Cry as well. “So, if you can’t understand him, then why do you hang out with him?”

Cry shrugged. “We like his company.”

Lucy stared at her for a moment, then turned to me for confirmation, which I provided with a nod. Vocalizing another “Sigh”, she got up on my chair and jumped from it through the monitor.

Lincoln and Cry turned to me. “All right, Dodge,” Cry said, “now it’s your turn.”

I went wide-eyed, and gulped. Tapping my fingertips together nervously, I looked from them to the monitor and back. “I…” I said, “…I don’t know, guys. I-I don’t think I can do this…”

Lincoln shared a glance with Cry, then shook his head in a way that heralded his regret for what he was about to do. He walked up to me, sighed heavily, and placed a hand on my shoulder. “…Listen, Captain,” he said, “let me make one thing clear: _I don’t like you._ But as much as I hate to admit it, the others are right – we can’t do this without you. You know the universe we’re about to go to better than anyone else; only _you_ can see us through. Right now, Zalgo is invading countless other worlds, killing and defiling countless alternate selves of me, my family, and my friends. _You_ helped contribute to his crusade…” He held out his hand.

“…Will you help us _stop it?”_

I held up my hands. “Oh, no, I’m not talking about _that –_ I just don’t think I can fit through the monitor. I mean, I know it’s a relatively _big_ monitor, but, well, I’ve got broad shoulders, and I’m getting a bit wide in the belt, if you know what I mean, and I mean, if Leni could get stuck, then why can’t I, right…?”

Lincoln rolled his eyes exasperatedly. “What do you want us to do, slather you in butter? Just _get in there!”_

“Okay, okay!” I looked to Cry for moral support, and she provided it in the form of a curt nod. Sighing, I walked in front of my monitor, stepped back, and bent my knees. “Well… look out, Loud House multiverse – here comes _me!”_

I took several steps back to get a running start, then uttering a yell, I charged at my monitor… only to brake hard before jumping in. Poking the permeable screen tentatively, I awkwardly climbed up on my chair, then poked first one, then both feet through. Using the desk for leverage instead of my swivel chair, I inched through the portal up to my waist – and then no further.

I struggled, but did not budge. My fears had been confirmed. _“Nnnngh…!_ Ah – I’m stuck! _I’m stuck!”_

Lincoln looked at Cry in disbelief. Cry looked back at him, then shook her head wearily. _“Ay, ay, ay…”_

Together, they walked up to me and started to push me the rest of the way through. I briefly panicked when I felt hands grabbing my legs, but soon realized that it was most likely the others trying to pull me through on the other side, and stopped kicking.

 _“Rrrrgh…”_ Lincoln strained. “Maybe we _should’ve_ slathered you in butter…”

 _“Hnnngh…!_ Come on, Dodge, suck in your gut!” Cry said.

“I _am!”_ I replied.

“Well, suck it in _more!”_

“I’ll try…!” I sucked my prodigious gut as far in as I could and tried to hold it there, and I felt myself budge a little, then a lot, and then with a _pop,_ I slipped through, and saw a blinding flash of light…

(…)

When my vision returned, and my ears stopped ringing, I found myself sitting on the ground in the middle of a street. When I looked up, I saw everyone who had already passed through the portal standing in front of me, with 1216 Franklin Avenue behind them.

I looked around, taking in the sight of the rest of Royal Woods. “Hey… it worked! I’m _back!_ I’m back in Royal Woods!”

“Not precisely,” Lisa said. “This is not the same universe you visited the last time you traveled to our multiverse. That would be our Leni’s universe, Universal Designation MMM-four-dash-oh-one. _This_ universe’s Universal Designation, or _‘UD’_ for short, is ILV-6-dash-one-eight.”

“Ah, I see… I think.”

“That aside…” Lucy said, “…are you okay, Captain?”

I stood up, dusting myself off. The buttons on my waistcoat had popped off. “Yeah, fine…” I patted my belly. _“Oof…_ I’ve gotta lay off the pizza…”

Aly sighed. “You see, Dodge? That’s why you always dive _head-first_ into a story.”

I picked my hat up off the ground, blowing the dust off before putting it back on. “Well… a painful lesson learned, then.”

“and youre gonna learn another one if you dont move right now” Kat said.

“Huh? Why?”

Just then, my question was answered when Lincoln came diving through the portal, crashing straight into me and sending the both of us tumbling to the ground with an _“Oof!”_ from me and an _“Ow!”_ from him.

After a painful meeting between my face and the ground, I spat gravel out of my mouth and lifted my head up. _“Ooh…_ Sorry, Lincoln.”

 _“Grr…”_ Lincoln growled. “Just… get off me…”

“But _you’re_ on top of _me…”_

 _“Whatever!_ Just _move!”_

Lincoln scrambled and scurried to stand up, and I stood up in turn as soon as he was off of me. I tried to help him by dusting him off, but he batted my hand away and did it himself, grumbling. “…Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to stand in front of a portal when there are other people waiting to use it?!” he said.

“Not until right now,” I replied. “Speaking of which…!”

I moved Lincoln and myself out of the portal’s way, just in time for Cry to pass through, hitting the ground with a perfectly-executed somersault and standing up.

Aly, Kat, Taka and I all applauded. _“Whoo!_ Nice landing, Cry!” I said. “If I had a score card reading ‘10’, I’d be holding it up right now…”

“Thanks, guys,” Cry said. “So, we all here?”

“Affirmative,” Lisa answered.

“All right then – _lock and load,_ people!” Aly barked in an authoritative voice.

Lincoln unsheathed his studded baseball bat and inspected it, taking a few practice swings. I polished my fork. Lisa placed her metal box on the ground and pressed a button, causing it to unfold into a man-sized battle suit like something straight out of _Iron Man 2,_ in which chassis she promptly seated herself in.

“Whoa…” I said, impressed. “So _that’s_ what that thing was!”

“Indeed,” said Lisa, her voice reverberating from the battle suit. “I presume that your multiverse runs on laws of physics different from ours’, hence why my technology did not function properly in your world.”

“I see…” I turned to show my buddies Lisa’s cool metal suit, but was stunned to see them packing heat, which I distinctly remembered them not doing before. Cry was carrying a copper-plated AK-103; Taka carried a gold-plated AK-47 with a comically-oversized (and vaguely phallic) magazine; Aly wielded a lever-action shotgun that was remarkably similar to the Baby Face’s Blaster from _Team Fortress 2;_ and Kat held a custom rainbow-plated revolver with a bottom-aligned barrel, the “Ciel Six”.

 _“Whoa_ – Hey, where did you guys get those?” I asked.

“Internet,” Aly replied, cocking her shotgun.

“Ah… makes sense…”

Finally, Leni inspected… the back of her left forearm. “How many Canon Shots you got, Leni?” Aly asked.

“Um… _h!”_ Leni said.

“‘H’? Are you sure you’re reading that right?”

“Yes, I’m _sure!”_ Leni said defensively. “I just read what the counter says!”

“…Leni, are you sure the counter’s not _upside-down?”_

There was a moment of silence as Leni processed that, then rotated her arm nearly 180 degrees, lifting her elbow up into the air, and looked at it again. _“…Oh!_ Oh, _heh, heh, heh…_ Silly me… Uh, _four!”_

Aly nodded. “All right. Save them for emergencies only, ‘kay?”

“Got it.”

“Wait a second,” I said, “hold on – ‘cannon shots’?”

Aly turned to me. “No, Dodge – _Canon_ Shots.”

I blinked. “That’s… what I just said.”

“Wha – no, no, no, _Canon._ As in, ‘canon’ and ‘non-canon’?”

“Ohhh, _now_ I get it!” I blinked again. “Except… I don’t, though…”

“Allow _me,”_ Lincoln said. “Listen, Captain: in the multiverse, some universes are closer to the Prime universe – or ‘canon’, as you call it – than others. Like our Leni’s universe, for example. And in these universes, some individuals are able to tap into the Prime universe as a result – like our Leni, for example. You still with me?”

“Uh-huh…” I said.

“Using the power of the Prime universe, these rare individuals can wield what’s called _‘The Power of Canon’,_ which allows them to undo anything that’s too far from ‘canon’ – whether that be wounds on us, or the bodies of the minions of Zalgo.”

I stroked my chin. “Interesting…”

“So…” Aly said, “…we all good?”

“Affirmative,” Lisa said.

“I’m ready,” Lincoln said.

“Me too… I guess…” Lucy echoed.

“Me four!” Leni said. “Wait… I think I miscounted…”

Aly nodded, then turned to the rest of the TACKTeam. “What about you guys?”

“Locked and loaded,” Cry said.

“rock and roll” Kat said.

 _“Vamos lá!”_ Taka said.

All that was left then was me. Aly walked up to me and put a hand on my shoulder, giving me a solemn look. Even though she was shorter than me, it still felt like she was looking down on me. “Dodge…” she said, “…this is gonna be brutal, not gonna lie. Are you sure _– absolutely sure –_ that you’re up for this?”

I shook my head, making fists at my sides. “Whether I am or not isn’t worth a damn. Knowing what I know, I can’t just sit on my ass and do nothing!” Then, I remembered something. “Oh, right – corona. Let me rephrase that – I can’t just _continue to_ sit on my ass and do nothing!” I cocked my fists. “I want to _help._ I want to fight the good fight.”

Aly stared at me for a good long time. Then, taking a deep breath, she nodded, and patted me on the shoulder. “…Then we’re all ready.”

I clapped my hands. “All right! Where do we go?”

“Wherever the plot needs us to go,” Cry replied, hefting her rifle.

“O-Oh.” I scratched my head. “Uh… okay. And, uh… where is that?”

“You tell me, Dodge,” Aly said. “You’re the one writing this fanfic…”

“Oh, right. Okay, um… let’s… go…” I looked around, then pointed in a direction. “…that way, I guess.”

“Wait,” Lincoln said, just as everyone started moving. He walked up to the portal and flipped a switch on the device projecting it. The portal flickered, then vanished. “Now no more of Zalgo’s minions can get into _your_ world…”

“Okay… but how are we going to get _back,_ though?”

“If – and _only_ if – we succeed, we switch the portal back on, and pass through. Until then, no-one leaves through this portal – not _us,_ not _them.”_

I breathed deep, exhaling slowly. This was it – the point of no return.

From now on… we were knee-deep in the shit. And the only way out was a long, hard slog through it.

(…)

I led the Louds and the TACKTeam through Royal Woods, snaking in no particular direction – yet in my gut, I knew we were heading to where we were supposed to be. In the meantime, I took in the sights and the sounds – or the lack thereof, in the latter case. I heard our footsteps echo down the abandoned street, but nothing else.

“It’s quiet…” I said.

 _“Muito quieto...”_ Taka added obligatorily.

“Where is everybody?” I wondered.

“Gone,” Leni answered. “This universe is now, like, a battleground in the war for the multiverse. All civilians have been evacuated to a designated haven world. The last ones through disconnected the portals, severing the ties between the universes so that, like, the forces of Zalgo couldn’t follow them through. Then we connected to this universe’s portal, which brought us here, and, well, like… you know the rest.”

“I see…” I looked around. We were passing by Flip’s Food and Fuel, which looked even more run-down than usual. “Makes sense. Still…” I looked down the street. Windows were broken, and some signs were hanging off their hinges, or had fallen down altogether. The wind carried smoke down from a fire in the distance that no-one was putting out.

I shuddered. This reminded me too much of what was going on in my world. “…Creepy.”

“I’ll say,” Cry said (like she said).

We started heading further downtown. The Chortle Portal was exactly where I remembered it was, only there were no more chortles coming from that portal. Leni stopped.

“Guys, where do we go now?” she asked. “There’s a fork in the road…”

 _“Whoops!”_ I turned around, bent down, picked my fork up off the road, and wiped it on my pant leg. _“Heh, heh…_ dropped it…”

“Leni’s got a point, though,” Lucy said. “Are you _sure_ you know where you’re going, Dodge?”

I rubbed the back of my head, wincing. “Honestly…? No. But if what Lisa said is true… and this area is being contested…” I spun around slowly, getting a 360-degree view of our surroundings. “…then our arrival can’t have gone unnoticed…”

For a moment, we all stood silently in the middle of the deserted road. Then, Lucy’s keen ears pricked up.

“Did you hear that?” she asked.

We listened closely, not even daring to breathe. Then, we heard it… footsteps, and low, sinister chuckles in distorted voices.

Aly held up a finger, making a circling motion. “Everyone, form a tight perimeter! Leni, Lucy, Dodge – get inside the circle!”

Everyone scrambled into position. The situation was too tense for me to question Aly’s orders at the moment, so I followed them, joining Lucy and Leni in being encircled by my compatriots. The footsteps grew a little closer, a little louder… and a little more numerous.

“Wh… What is it?” I asked.

 _“Heh…”_ Cry snorted. “Figures they’d send the grunts in first – try to loosen us up…”

“‘Grunts’? Wh-What are Zalgo’s grunts like?”

Lucy uttered a low, mirthless chuckle as the footsteps and laughter drew ever closer to our position. “Oh, they _pale_ in comparison to the elites… but they’re no less horrifying. In fact, one might say that they’re the most horrifying of all Zalgo’s followers. Born of blasphemy; bred by brethren and sistren.”

The footsteps were now all around us, in every alleyway.

“Their very _existence_ is an affront to the Prime universe itself…”

The sinister laughter rose in a crescendo, as pairs of red dots appeared out of the dark corners and crevices of the buildings.

“In fact, given how influential he was in their creation, one might say that Zalgo himself is their _true_ father…”

I gasped. The children of _Zalgo himself…?_ “Wh… Who… Who are they?” I said in a timid whisper.

“Two words.” Lucy dramatically snapped her head around to look me straight in the eyes.

_“Sin Kids.”_

As if on cue, hordes of Sin Kids came boiling out of the alleys and damaged buildings, whooping and howling with bloodlust. In no time at all, they had us completely surrounded, and then some. Cowering in fear behind Cry, I braced myself and took a look at the crowd. I was stunned to see Sin Kids of all extractions – not only the “canon” ones, of which there were so many, but also 2nd gens, 3rd gens, genderbents, “OCs”, and even _crossovers –_ all of them mutated in some way, shape, or form. Most, if not all, had the requisite bleeding black eyes and red pupils, but some also had many more eyes in many more places, or extra mouths, or tentacles or other appendages sprouting from orifices. Some visages were so horrifying, just _seeing_ them would have driven me insane – if I hadn’t been completely bonkers already.

“My God…” I gulped. “Wh-Where did they all come from?”

 _“Well, let’s see…”_ a Liby said, stepping forward to call attention to herself. _“When a brother and a sister love each other VERY MUCH…”_

The others all gasped and guffawed at that Liby’s joke. Sneering, Cry turned her head towards me slightly. “The _real_ truth, Dodge, is that they’re spawned from all the Sin Kid fan art and fanfiction.”

“Really?” I said. “Art, too?”

“Remember, Dodgey, artists are CCs, too – and some of them are slaves to Zalgo’s will, just like some writers are. Every piece of _Loud House_ fan art is a universe unto itself – and _they_ come from all the Sin Kid ones…”

 _“Can it be said, then,”_ a Lacy with eyeballs perched on long stalks, _“that we CHOSE a life in servitude to Zalgo? From the moment we were born, our lives’ paths were dictated FOR us! We can’t help being who we are…!”_

“okay holup” Kat interrupted, “like they _look_ zalgofied alright but why dont they _sound_ zalgofied ?”

“Oh, this site’s software doesn’t support Zalgofied text,” I answered. “And even if it did, their sentences would be unreadable, you know. So, italics is the best I can do.”

“what about the other fanfiction site ?”

“Not sure. Guess we’ll find out…”

“Anyways…” Lincoln said, turning back to the Lacy. “That may be, but it is our duty to combat Zalgo, wherever we might find his presence. If you have no choice but to serve his will…” He raised his bat and pointed it at her. “…then _we_ have no choice but to fight you.”

A Lupa with blood oozing from nigh every orifice stepped forward, clapping her tentacles sarcastically. _“My, my, how NOBLE of you, Father…”_

Lincoln cringed. _“Ew._ Don’t call me that…”

_“…but could you – could ANY of you – really bring yourself to strike down your own flesh and blood?”_

Lucy’s standard frown deepened. “…We will not relish the task at hand – but we will shed no tears, either.”

“And even if they _couldn’t_ kill you…” Aly readied her firearm, as did Taka, Kat, and Cry. “…then _we_ certainly can!”

 _“Admirable resolve, Earthling scum,”_ said a Sin Kid with skin as jet black as his eyes and a mop of white worms for hair who spoke with a posh, refined accent, _“but your resolve will not save you here. Look around – can you not see that you are vastly outnumbered?”_

“Aaaand it’s… _this guy!”_ Cry said. “Uh… _who is this guy?”_

“Ozzy Loud,” I responded. “Son of Lincoln and the Martian Queen from _Duck Dodgers._ _I shit you not.”_

“gdi patanu” Kat said.

Aly pointed at the Ozzy. “Maybe so – but you’ve got an important lesson to learn when it comes to characters like _you!”_

 _“And what is that?”_ the Ozzy said disdainfully.

Aly cracked a cheeky grin. _“Quality. Over. Quantity. OPEN FIRE!”_

With that, the TACKTeam unleashed a withering storm of metal fury upon the crowds of Sin Kids. With a guttural, alien battle cry, the Sin Kids began charging in – and one by one, my buddies dropped them. My buddies stood at four corners, each facing in one direction, firing in short, controlled bursts, as any disciplined soldier knows to do. Aly blew a Vikki’s head to bits; Kat busted a cap in a Laika’s ass. Taka fired three rounds into a Lilith’s head; Cry shot out a Lois’s throat. No matter how many came rushing in… not one made it to our circle.

A Lemy turned to the Ozzy that appeared to be in command. _“Orders, sir?”_ he asked.

The Ozzy waved dismissively. _“Send the most expendable Sin Kids in first. Their ammunition is bound to run out eventually…”_

The Lemy scratched his head. _“…Are you sure about that?”_

_“Did I stutter? Send. In. The. Expendables.”_

The Lemy stared at the Ozzy for a moment, then shrugged. _“…As you command.”_

Without warning, he grabbed the Ozzy by the collar and dragged him through the crowd to the circle, tossing him in towards us. Outraged, the Ozzy looked up at his traitorous second-in-command. _“What are you DOING?!”_ he demanded.

 _“Following orders, sir,”_ the Lemy answered. _“Most expendable Sin Kids first.”_

The Ozzy tried to dive back into the crowd, but the other Sin Kids crowded together, not letting him through. Realizing that they would not budge, and that he was very exposed, the Ozzy steeled himself, turned towards us, drew his saber, and charged.

He made it three steps before Kat capped him in the head.

“pop pop watchin sin kids drop” she quipped.

Undeterred, the other Sin Kids continued their overwhelming assault – and Cry, Kat, Aly, and Taka kept up the defense. The Ozzy’s last order had resonated through the hive mind, and the more expendable Sin Kids, slaves to Zalgo’s will, obeyed. Lesters, Ligalas, Lucendas, Logans – all fell by the wayside. Yet the Sin Kids were unrelenting, heedless of the risk, thinking of nothing but carrying out Zalgo’s will, even at the cost of their lives.

Eventually, Kat’s Ciel Six clicked when she pulled the trigger. “i’m out” she declared.

As if on cue, the others held up their empty guns as well. “Me too!” Cry said.

 _“Sem munição!”_ Taka said.

“I’m dry!” Aly said last.

“Well,” I said, “then what are you waiting for? Reload!”

“No, Dodge, I mean I’m _completely_ out of ammo.” Aly dropped her shotgun.

 _“What?!”_ I cried, as the others followed suit with their firearms. “Already?!”

“Give us a break, Dodge!” Cry said. “Ammo’s expensive…”

“and heavy” Kat added.

Taka nodded. _“Sim…”_

“Well then…” Lincoln said, stepping out of the circle and swinging his studded baseball bat. “…it looks like we’re doing this _old-school_ now!”

“Mm-hmm!” Aly nodded at the others. “Switch to melee!”

As Lincoln and Lisa readied themselves, the TACKTeam prepared for battle. Aly pulled out a wicked morning star; Kat produced a four-headed flail; Cry unsheathed a combat knife; and Taka brandished a spiked club. I raised my fork.

“Leni,” Aly said, “you stay out of combat – you’re too valuable to risk losing just yet. Everyone else, _charge!”_

Roaring a ferocious war cry, everyone – save Leni, Lucy and I – spread out and met the Sin Kids head-on, and the fight turned into a melee. Leni played a supporting role, assisting her siblings and my buddies in each of their fights. Sometimes she’d trip one Sin Kid, sometimes she’d hold another while the other combatant attacked – but she never engaged a foe directly herself. Her siblings picked up the slack, however – Lincoln swung his bat like a boy possessed, fighting like he wished he’d fought when the Axeman returned for blood. Lisa, meanwhile, boxed and blasted with lasers mounted in her battle suit’s palms and eye panels, knocking Sin Kids to the ground by the score and crushing their skulls and ribcages underfoot. My buddies fought with equal ferocity – Cry thrust her knife into the heart of a Reina, while Aly swung her morning star into the face of a Sonette. Kat caved in the skull of an Evangeline with her mace, while Taka brained a Liby with his club. Blood, bone fragments, teeth, and spittle flew through the air, everywhere one looked. The battle became a bloodbath.

Among the many highlights of the fight, I saw a Lyle aim his bow and arrow at Cry, who had her back turned to him. _“Got a present for ya, wetback!”_ he quipped, just before loosing the arrow.

Quick as a flash, though, Cry turned around and caught the arrow mid-flight, stopping it just in front of her face. “Aww, that’s sweet of you, really,” she quipped back, before turning the arrow around in her hand. _“…but I think I’ll regift this.”_

Then, she thrusted the point of the arrow into the neck of a nearby Rinn, leaving it lodged in there so that the Rinn could choke on her own blood as she moved on, sparing the stunned and enraged Lyle a smug, fleeting glance.

And Aly was as a beast, fighting in a furious frenzy. She clubbed a Loli over the head, then turned and swung at a Loopoo, hitting her square in the shemale nuts before literally knocking her jaw off as she knelt in pain. As she prepared to close in on a nearby Lari, however, she heard a sinister chuckle behind her.

Wheeling around, Aly saw a tall young man with nut brown hair and a bionic arm wielding a scythe squaring off against her a good ten feet away. _“At last…”_ the young man said, _“it is my time to shine…”_ He hefted the scythe over his head. _“Feel the wrath of LEVEN LOUD!”_

Screaming, the Leven charged at Aly, but about three feet away from her, he tripped over the corpse of a Lulu and fell, dropping the scythe and – in an unfortunate yet hilarious twist of fate – ended up lodging its blade in his jaw, driving the point up into the cybernetic half of his brain. The Leven twisted and spasmed, gurgling, then entered rigor mortis.

Aly watched the scene play out at her feet, unimpressed. “…Well, that one was dead on arrival.” She hefted her morning star and moved on. “‘Kay – who’s next?”

The fight wore on. Five minutes became ten minutes, and ten became twenty. I shut my eyes as the thickening smell of blood in the air set my head pounding. _He_ was relishing the violence – _he_ wanted a part of it. I became dizzy; the world started to spin. _“Ah…”_

“What’s wrong, Adam?” I heard Leni cry out over the chaos.

“Yeah, Captain, what’s wrong?” Lincoln echoed. “We could really use your help here…!”

I swayed from side to side, trying to regain my bearings. “Ah… I… I…”

“Dodge, what’s the matter?” Aly asked.

I started breathing heavily, trying to pump more oxygen into my brain. It worked; my mind started clearing up. “I… I… I… _can’t…!”_

“What?!” Cry cried. “Why not?!”

Tears welled in my eyes. “I… I don’t want _the Captain_ to come out again…!”

Lincoln stopped fighting, stupefied. “…Huh? Wait – I thought _you_ were the Captain?”

“I am! But also, I’m _not!”_

 _“Faz sentido, caramba!”_ Taka shouted as he smashed a Leia’s chest in.

I adopted a pained look. “It’s a sad, sad story…” I allowed myself a moment, then cleared my throat. “…But suffice it to say, I can’t fight, you guys! I just… _can’t!”_

“Then do what you were made to do!” Leni called out to me. “Do what you were _born_ to do; what you were _NAMED to do! Dodge! Dodge, Dodge! DODGE!”_

I stood there, mystified, as her words echoed in my ears. What did she mean by that? I scrutinized her words, searching for their meaning.

Then, it hit me. The way she said it…

…Dodge.

_Dodge!_

I snapped my fingers. _“That’s it!”_

I looked around the battlefield, and spotted the Lyle that had tried to shoot Cry earlier. _“HEY!”_ I cried, waving my arms. _“Hey, femboy! Yeah, you! Hey!”_

Taken aback, the Lyle turned his attention to me. _“Huh?”_

Smirking, I hopped back and forth on both feet, pointing at myself. “Betcha can’t hit a moving target!” I taunted.

Scowling, the Lyle pulled an arrow out of his quiver and nocked it to the string. _“…I’ll take that bet,”_ he growled.

As he lined up his shot, I spanked my buttocks at a Lemy behind me, taunting him as well. Incensed, the Lemy charged at me, just as the Lyle loosed an arrow aimed straight at my heart.

“Alley- _oop!”_

With catlike grace, I sprang out of the way, leaving the arrow to fly straight through where I used to be… right into the forehead of the Lemy behind me. The Lemy’s charge faltered, and he stumbled.

 _“Ooooh…”_ he groaned, grasping the shaft of the arrow. He looked up to glare at the Lyle. _“Check your fire!”_

The Lyle waved and grinned sheepishly. _“S-Sorry!”_

Meanwhile, I exulted, now having fully grasped the true meaning of my name. I reached my arms out to both sides, beckoning to all comers. “Come on…” I said, “…who else wants a piece of old Dodgey?”

Several Sin Kids answered my challenge. I dodged them all. A Lizy stabbed at me with a knife, and ended up shanking an Allie. A Lupa had picked up the fallen Ozzy’s sword and swung it at my neck, but ended up severing the head of a Panther instead. A Marla aimed to rip out my throat with rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth, yet found them sunken into the face of a Bobby Jr. All tried to kill me. All failed.

I channeled my inner Deadpool, integrating an impromptu dance routine into my moves. “In the words of MC Hammer, _you can’t touch this!”_ I proclaimed.

Enraged by my brazen display of disrespect, the Sin Kids redoubled their assault. I slithered and slid through the carnage, shuffling and moonwalking, grooving to an unheard beat. I thrusted my hips, and swayed my belly, deftly dodging any and all attacks directed at me and redirecting them at others.

I was untouchable. I was _Captain Dodge._

Another Lemy – the same Lemy that had backstabbed his boss, the Ozzy – watched me dance my way through the fight in disbelief. _“I… don’t… believe it!”_ he said. _“It’s bad enough we’re not even drawing blood, but now this guy is getting us to kill OURSELVES through DANCING?! How could this get any worse?!”_

 _“Você cheira isso?”_ a voice behind the Lemy said. _“Eu amo o cheiro do sangue do Sin Kid pela manhã.”_

The Lemy turned to face the source of the voice, and _“Huh –?”_ was all he managed to get out before he found his face on the wrong side of a spiked club.

As the Lemy crumpled to the ground, his head split open, Taka inhaled deeply through his nose, then sighed contentedly. _“…Cheira a vitória.”_

The bodies began to pile up high in the streets. Eventually, our footing became unstable. And yet, no matter how many Sin Kids we struck down, at least three more appeared in the place of any one. Though we had the advantage in skill, they had the advantage in numbers. Slowly but surely, we began losing ground.

We all began to retreat, curling back up into a defensive circle. Aly, Kat, Taka, and Lincoln swung their bludgeons tirelessly, but they were hard-pressed. “hah… hah … phew… ” Kat panted. “guys … i think i’m running out of steam”

“I’m running out of energy!” Lisa said from within her battle suit.

“And _I’m_ running out of one-liners!” I said.

 _“Leni!”_ Aly said. “Now would be a good time for a Canon Shot!”

“B-But,” Leni said, “I thought those were only for emergencies!”

 _“This IS an emergency!”_ Lincoln shouted. _“Use it!”_

Although still momentarily unsure, Leni made up her mind quickly. “…Stand back, you guys,” she said.

Taking a deep breath, Leni raised her left forearm, cocked it, then aimed it at the crowd of Sin Kids still bearing down on everyone. To my surprise, her arm suddenly transformed into a literal cannon, like something Samus Aran would wield. Leni’s arm-cannon glowed with a steadily-increasing luminescence, until the power was palpable enough to crackle and fizzle the air.

 _“…Okay!”_ Leni shouted. _“Everybody, GET DOWN!”_

Lincoln and Taka, standing in front of Leni, threw themselves to the ground – just in time of a wave of pure energy to erupt from Leni’s arm-cannon. A quick scream was all the Sin Kids before her could manage to muster before their very bodies disintegrated before my very eyes. The beam of canon energy effortlessly tore through the crowd of Sin Kids, blasting far off into the distance. Leni pivoted, slowly sweeping the beam across the entire gathered crowd, as each and every one of us dropped to the ground in turn so as not to block her shot. As Leni turned 360 degrees, the stream of canon energy gradually petered out, until the circle was complete, and it trickled out entirely.

Leni lowered her arm-cannon, which reverted to just being her arm, and stood panting. I looked up warily. To my shock, I found that every Sin Kid that had been caught in the blast, living or dead, had been completely vaporized. As an added bonus, the bodies that were cluttering the street were now cleared out for the most part, leaving only scattered limbs and other body parts.

_“Ha… Ha, ha…”_

I started laughing cautiously. It seemed as though the Sin Kids had been completely cleared out. The others started joining me. Our laughter turned to grins of triumph, and we began to congratulate each other on our performance in the battle. Leni, in particular, complimented my smooth moves.

“Thanks, Leni!” I said. “And nice job with that Canon Shot – you really saved our bacon, there!”

Leni blushed, bashfully waving the compliment away. “Oh, _you…!”_

But just as we were beginning to come down from our combat high, we all heard a familiar rumbling ripple through the ground and the air. Our smiles faded, and turned to looks of dread. The thundering of footsteps drew closer yet again.

 _“…Puta que pariu,”_ Taka muttered wearily.

And then, yet another horde of Sin Kids came rushing out towards us in a vicious wave, barely even giving us time to catch our breath before the fight was rejoined.

 _“Damn it!”_ Lincoln shouted over the kerfuffle. “Where are all these things coming from?!”

“I don’t know!” Cry responded. “Why are these things so _popular?!”_

“Guys!” I cried out, desperately dodging. “There’s too many of them – we can’t keep this up!”

“Well, we’re _open to suggestions!”_ Lisa said, bopping one Sin Kid over the head after another.

I racked my brain, searching for some kind of solution while also taking care not to get hit. I looked at each of my teammates, trying to think of a way to use one or more to their full potential – and perhaps, hopefully, turn the tide of battle. I thought Lisa’s battle suit might be useful, but it looked like she was having trouble herself – I recalled her saying something about her suit running out of power. Leni could use another Canon Shot, but I had a feeling that we would need every one left for later, so that was out. As I looked from Loud to Loud, buddy to buddy… I realized that someone was missing. Someone who was easily overlooked…

_“Lucy!”_

I looked around frantically, trying to locate her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a faint glow emanating from a boutique a little ways down the street. Snaking and slipping through the horde, I popped out on the other side, then tried to lay low. As I was often as easily overlooked as Lucy, the Sin Kids’ attention remained directed towards the group still in the center of the mess, and I hurried my way over to the boutique.

I vaulted through the broken store window. “Lucy?” I called. “Lucy…?”

There was no answer. Before long, though, I found the source of the glow, illuminating a dark corner of the boutique. I knew from our roleplay on our Discord server that Lucy’s entire body glowed when she was feeling emotional. I approached the corner, rounding it to see Lucy sitting on the floor amongst the dust and debris, her knees pulled in to her chest.

Frowning, I got down on my knees, lowering myself to her level. “…Lucy?” I said as gently as I possibly could.

Lucy turned her head away from me. “…How did you find me?” she asked.

“It, uh…” I gestured to her. “…It wasn’t very hard.”

Lucy glowed even brighter. _“…Sigh.”_

I realized that I had embarrassed her. Shaking my head, I reached out to her. “Lucy,” I said, “we’re in trouble. We _need_ you out there. We need your _powers.”_

Lucy clenched her jaw, clutching the hem of her dress. Then, she shook her head. “…I _can’t,_ Captain,” she said. “I just can’t do it…”

“You _have_ to, Lucy…” I gestured to outside. “Your family _needs_ you…”

Lucy’s gaze remained averted. “…They’re not really _my_ family…”

I sighed heavily. Our roleplay had ended very early due to some drama with our members, so I didn’t have any time to develop Lucy’s character. I’d planned on her being ashamed of her powers initially, and since the roleplay had stalled out there, that’s where she was now. I reached out and placed a firm, yet gentle hand on her shoulder.

“…Lucy,” I said, _“listen to me._ I know we didn’t get very far into the roleplay, so I’m going to have to squeeze all the character development I had planned for you into this one speech, okay?” I turned her head to look at me, in spite of her resistance. “Lucy… you’re _special._ You’ve been given a unique gift – one that lots of kids your age would _kill_ to have. There’s no need to be ashamed of it…”

“And why not?” Lucy retorted. “Lola gets powers over _fire;_ Lori gets powers over _ice;_ Luan gets powers over _electricity;_ _Leni,_ of all people, gets powers over _corrosion…”_ She buried her face in her knees. “…How did I get stuck with powers over _light?”_

I nodded. Being endowed with colorful light powers would be torture for a gloomy goth. “…It’s okay, Lucy. I understand. Light doesn’t really seem like your thing. But you’re missing the _duality_ of the thing…”

Lucy started. “H-Huh?”

I smiled. “Power over light also extends to the _absence_ of light, Lucy. Darkness. That’s what you are.” I put both hands on both her shoulders. “But that’s not _all_ you are, Luce. You have the darkest hair in all your family, yet you have the lightest skin. You have the darkest mind, yet the lightest heart. _Light_ and _dark,_ Lucy. You’re _both.”_

Lucy turned her gaze downwards. “I… I never thought about it that way…”

“There can be no light without darkness, Lucy – and there can be no _darkness_ without _light._ It’s the _balance_ of the world, Lucy – and you hold it in the palms of your hands. It runs through your veins, Lucy. It’s _part of you._ You don’t have to be ashamed, Lucy; there’s no shame in being who you are. _What_ you are.” I pulled her in for a hug. “Embrace it. Embrace it, and don’t let go. And above all, _use_ it for the greater good. Because if you don’t…” I broke the hug and pointed outside. “…then people that you _do_ know, and _do_ love, and _do_ care about… are going to die.”

Lucy’s gaze followed my finger. We both heard our allies cry out in pain – one by one, they were starting to be overwhelmed. Lucy hung her head, and I knew that their distress was getting to her. The plight of the others, combined with my inspiring words, drove her to an epiphany.

Slowly, she stood up. I stood up with her. Without a word, Lucy started walking back towards the boutique’s front door, out to the street. Halfway there, she stopped, still facing away from me. “…Hey, Captain?”

“Hm?” I said.

“…Thanks. I needed that pep talk.”

I nodded, smiling. “Of course.”

Lucy uttered a soft chuckle. “You know, I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner…”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“My name. Lucy.” She turned her head back towards me, a slight grin on her face.

“…It means _‘light’.”_

(…)

Lucy exited the boutique, and I was close behind. The crowd of Sin Kids had parted, and now we saw Lincoln, Lisa, and the TACKTeam all lying on the ground, bruised, bloodied, and beaten. A Lyra approached them through the parted crowd.

 _“Hmm…”_ the Lyra said, _“…what was it you said earlier? ‘Quality over quantity’?”_

My allies looked up at the Lyra, defiance blazing in their eyes, although the fight had gone out of their bodies.

The Lyra laughed scornfully. _“Well, as a wise, yet brutal man once said…”_ She raised her hand, then clenched it into a fist. _“…‘Quantity has a quality all its own.’”_ She pointed at some other Sin Kids. _“Line them up!”_

I nodded at Lucy. “All yours, O Mistress of Light and Darkness,” I said.

Lucy nodded back, then began to summon all the energy she needed from the Sun, which was now starting to dip towards the horizon.

The others, meanwhile, were lined up in kneeling positions next to each other, their throats forcibly bared by the Sin Kids standing guard behind them. The Lyra readied a wicked ceremonial dagger.

 _“Almighty Zalgo,”_ she chanted, _“we offer you this sacrifice…”_

Then, it was time. Lucy extended both of her arms, summoned her wells of power, then uttered a single word:

_“Blackout.”_

All at once, a sphere of impenetrable darkness enveloped two whole town blocks, with Lucy at its center. The forces of Zalgo were thrown into disarray.

 _“Huh?”_ I heard a Lupa say. _“Hey, what gives? Who killed the lights?”_

 _“I_ did,” I heard Lucy say. “And now, the lights are about to kill _you.”_

What happened next should be unknowable, since it happened in complete darkness, but since I’m the author, of course I know what happened, so I’ll tell you. Lucy started by bisecting the Lyra with her Sun Scythe – a light, powerful weapon made from condensed light particles – and the Lyra’s screams of agony alerted the other Sin Kids to the fact that something terrible was going on. Another Sin Kid, a Loan, was fried with Lucy’s heat vision, sowing more discord amongst the ranks of Zalgo. A Liena was then taken by one of the unspeakable creatures that lives in darkness, and then everything erupted into pandemonium. Nobody could see what was happening, only knowing that something terrible was occurring. I shouted above the bedlam, ordering my compatriots to stay down while Lucy did her work. And work Lucy did – one or two or three at a time, she slew Sin Kid after Sin Kid, sometimes cutting them down herself, sometimes sacrificing them to the primal darkness. The Sin Kids swung blindly in the dark, sometimes striking each other, often not striking anything at all; and never hitting Lucy. As the screams and the shouts became fewer and fewer, one Sin Kid saw the writing on the wall and ordered the retreat – but again, no-one could see which direction everyone was supposed to retreat _in._ They stumbled over each other, fearful, routed – and Lucy cut them down like wheat with her Sun Scythe, running at the speed of light itself. Soon, the panicked screams and desperate yelling subsided into groans of pain and defeat, and with a shuddering sigh, Lucy collapsed the dome of darkness and allowed the sunlight in again.

I shielded my eyes, blinking, my eyes not yet adjusted to the light after such complete and utter darkness. The others also took time to adjust, and by the time our vision had returned, Lucy had nearly finished off all of the wounded survivors. She killed a Toby, then a Lina, then finally stood over a Lupa.

Although broken both physically and mentally, the Lupa still had enough strength of mind left to offer one last token defiance. _“Heh…”_ she chuckled, looking up at Lucy. _“So, this is how it ends… First you gave me life, and now you take it away…”_ She hacked up blood. _“…You are a cruel mother… Mother.”_

Lucy’s mouth twisted into a snarl. She hooked the blade of her Sun Scythe beneath the Lupa’s neck. “You are no daughter of mine… _abomination.”_

With an almost lazy jerk, she then pulled up the scythe, slicing clean through the Lupa’s neck and severing her head in a spout of foul blood. Her work done, Lucy then allowed the Sun Scythe to dissipate, then collapsed to her knees.

Awed by her sudden display of power, Lincoln, Leni, and Lisa all surrounded their goth sister, vocalizing their amazement and joy. _“O M Gosh,_ Lucy!” Leni said. “I, like, _totes_ had no idea you had it in you!”

“Me neither!” Lincoln agreed. “You really saved all our butts back there!”

“Don’t mention it, guys…” Lucy said. She turned to look at me. “I never would have been able to do it if it weren’t for Captain Dodge…”

Everyone’s gazes turned to me, but mine was fixed solely on Lucy. I gave her a nod and a warm smile, which she gratefully returned.

Aly and the rest of the TACKTeam looked around, listening carefully for any more footsteps that signaled the approach of yet more Sin Kids. To their relief, they heard none. The Loud siblings surveyed the damage that had been done. Untold numbers of Sin Kid bodies lay disfigured and dismembered on the ground all around them, and everyone breathed a tired sigh of relief.

“…We did it!” Leni said. “We beat them, you guys! We _won!_ We, like, defeated Zalgo!”

“Sweetheart,” Aly said, “…that was just the _appetizer.”_ She pulled out a stick of gum like a cigarette and stuck it between her teeth, staring out grimly at the darkening horizon, twisting and warping with eldritch energy.

“The main course starts _now._ Hope you didn’t fill up on bread…”

**To be continued…**


End file.
